My 2013 Non-Resolutions


For the year 2013, I do NOT resolve …

… to be more tolerant and understanding of all the stupid people in the world.  See for examples:

… to eat more green vegetables.  My Mom said I didn’t have to.  I still believe her.

… to organize my home, especially my home office (or “cave”, as Candy calls it).  I like the clutter and am comfortable with the mess, the post-it notes stuck to every vertical surface and the papers stacked on every horizontal surface.

… to read Don Aslett’s book Clutter’s Last Stand or Tara Aronson’s mrscleanjeans’ housekeeping with KIDS, which in my case would have to be “housekeeping with CRITTERS“, but the principle is the same in either event, I ain’t doin’ it.

… to stop saying “ain’t”.

… to be more tolerant and understanding of all the boring, annoying or downright aggravating people in the world (see first item above).

… to “Go Green”, reduce my “carbon footprint” (can’t remember the last time I walked through carbon in such a way as to leave footprints, anyway), or live a “more sustainable lifestyle” (I’m not even sure what the heck that means).

… to lose weight.  If it happens, fine.  If not, like John Elway & Doug Flute, I’m definitely comfortable in my own skin, even when there’s a bit more of it than there used to be.

… to learn how to Tweet … or Instagram … or get “Tagged” … or to Pinterest, Meetup, Multiply or Ning.  I have enough trouble keeping up with email & Facebook to worry about all these other “social media” websites (which are, in truth, pretty anti-social since everyone on them is avoiding actual personal contact with other participants).

… to remember to send birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas or other holiday cards.  In fact, I may not even open any I receive.

… to “harmonize” my life.  I can’t even harmonize my voice, much less the rest of my existence.

… to forgive those who trespass against me.  Revenge is much more satisfying.

… to be all that I can be.  Been there, done that, not doing it again.

… to accept people just the way they are.  See the first and sixth items above.

… to start each morning by saying to myself five times, “I can do it!”   Then repeating it five more times in the afternoon and five more before going to bed.  If I have to tell myself 15 times a day that I can do something, I either can’t or really don’t want to.

… to avoid the temptations of Baskin-Robbins ice cream, Double Stuff Golden Oreo cookies, Jelly Bellies, Strawberry Twizzlers or Three Musketeers bars.  If only I could find one, I’d add Powerhouse bars to that list, too.

… to start doing yoga.  Self-explanatory.

… to quit my bad habits.  I like my bad habits.  If you happen to disagree, that’s your problem, not mine.

Lead, Follow or Get Out of the Way …


… if you’re driving on the freeway and a parade of vehicles is passing on your right, get the lead (or your head, as the case may be) out of your ass and either pick up the pace or move to the right … for this purpose, a “parade” is defined as more than two cars in any five minute period …

… if you’re in the supermarket and want to go wandering off in search of kumquats, don’t leave your cart sitting in the middle of the aisle blocking the way … and don’t stand in the middle of the aisle blabbing with a friend and blocking everyone else …

… when you get to the top (or bottom) of an escalator, don’t stop abruptly to figure out where you want to go while blocking the people behind you … ditto when you get off an elevator … or out of the jetway at the airport …

… for crying out loud, carry a little cash around with you … don’t be holding up everyone else while using your credit card to buy a 99 cent candy bar at a convenience store …

… that toll booth at the local bridge didn’t just spring up overnight like a mushroom … it’s been there for years … have your money ready before you get there so that eight cars don’t go through the lanes on either side while you’re fumbling around and holding up traffic behind you …

… lead, follow or get out of the way …